The Family Survival Guide for Christmas.

Need something to get you into the seasonal spirit (or just out of the house?) Andrew Shanahan can help

Gritting your teeth through The Sound of Music and repressing rage at family members are traditional Christmas pursuits. However, after several years, it’s inevitable that even these pastimes lose their appeal and eventually someone could snap and use a festive stocking stuffed with Ferrero Rocher to bludgeon an uncle who insists on chewing with his mouth open. Before that dreaded day arrives we suggest you get out of the house – and, fortunately for you (and your uncle), there are enough things to do in Manchester to a) keep everyone amused and b) stop you from committing Noelicide.

1. Get your skates on
Running (or sliding!) until 3 January, the ice rink at Spinningfields, has managed the laudable trick of supplying a festive air without venturing into out-and-out tackiness. It’s certainly one for all the family – imagine the laughter as a mildly-racist aunt slips and pops her hip out, or a crazy uncle breaks his jaw after showing off his backward crossover; truly it’s the stuff memories and nuisance lawsuits are made of. If that doesn’t get you spinning then the ‘winter crumble’ vodka from the nearby pop-up North Pole bar should.

2. Inject a bit of secular joy
In addition to leaving non-Christian believers at a bit of a loss, the annual hoo-ha around the birth of baby Jesus can put your friendly neighbourhood secular humanist in a bad mood. Anyone wanting to say phooey to religion this Christmas can take a dose of Darwin, courtesy of Manchester Museum. Their Darwin-themed exhibition includes In Darwin’s Footsteps, which matches the great man’s own words with stunning images from wildlife photographer Ben Hall.

3. Get away from it all: evacuate
The Imperial War Museum North has a winning habit of finding innovative ways to help different generations engage with the legacy of war. Alongside its usual galleries and exhibitions (including a great one on Animals and War) is Billy’s War (Sundays, 20 December and 3 January, aimed at ages 4-10), a story told using a rag-doll about what it was like to be evacuated from Salford to live in the countryside during the war.

4. A smorgasbord of culture
There’s really something for everyone at Urbis this Christmas. You can take your pick from the story of UK Hip Hop, a celebration of Manchester’s Television past, present and future, and an exhibition about the Curry Mile. Work your way round that lot and you’ll have earned a plate or two at The Modern, a restaurant that, despite being mauled by The Guardian’s food critic, Matthew Norman, is, in our humble opinion, not only one of the best venues for lunch in the city (try the three course Taste of Manchester menu for just £15, insanely good value for money) – it is also surprisingly accommodating to children (well-behaved ones, naturally). Given that we go there a little more frequently than your average Guardian critic, take our word for it, not Norman’s.

5. Hit the slopes in Trafford
At the time of writing, the odds of a white Christmas in Manchester are sitting pretty at around 11/2, but one place you’re guaranteed to get some snow is over at the Chill Factore. The Manchester branch is easily accessible from town, sitting as it does in the armpit of the Trafford Centre. With skiing, luging, tubing and a child-friendly snow play area, plus more chain restaurants than you could shake a Nandos at, this is one destination where you can not only take the whole family, you can legitimately throw things at them, too (we’re talking snowballs here, not snowboards).

6. Make your own flipbook
Currently running at Manchester Art Gallery is the Animalation project from Andrew Bracey, an artist who uses techniques much the same as the flipbooks we’ve all made as kids (granted, usually for a smuttier purpose) to make stunning moving pictures of animals such as hummingbirds and Humboldt Penguins. There’s even step-by-step instructions on how to make your own for when you get home, which should keep any arty kids quiet for a bit.

7. Head for the trees
OK, so the city of Manchester doesn’t exactly have thousands of acres of woodland for you to go and explore, but the Whitworth might be able to help, as its ongoing Deep Rooted exhibition, drawn from an impressive collection of watercolours and drawings, looks at the role trees have played in our lives. Perfect if you fancy some quiet reflection away from any loud-chewing or racist relatives.

8. Become a chocolate hero
It’s probably a quick ride out of town (unless you feel like walking up an appetite), but if you’re freezing cold and fancy something to warm you then a trip to Slattery’s on Bury New Road in Whitefield for their hot chocolate is well worth it. If you’re feeling brave then try the Slattery’s Chocolate Challenge: here, you have to work your way through a large portion of chocolate fudge cake, chocolate ice-cream, two chocolate pots and a hot chocolate to win a coveted medal (chocolate of course) and a box of free chocolates.

9. Fun science!
Science is great family fun, especially when it comes to hands-on experiments, and MOSI have plenty of that on offer. Xperiment features over thirty different ‘experiences’, such as rocket launches, a chance to compose a symphony and a back-to-front viewer that switches your world view from left to right. Imagine the fun you can have turning your relatives’ world around…

10. It really is A Wonderful Life
Capra’s feel-good seasonal hit really piles on the schmaltz (see if you can stop the bile rising when Zuzu’s classic line arrives at the end), but it really is a Christmas essential and, to take the edge off, Cornerhouse are offering spiced cider with their screenings on 20 and 23 December. Also on screen is Where The Wild Things Are Kane (until 17 December), and a chance to see an exhibition by two cinematically-inspired artists, Gareth Kemp and David Lunt, in the café bar.

Andrew Shanahan is an award-winning freelance writer with work ranging from journalism with The Guardian and The Independent and national magazine titles to scriptwriting with the BBC. He has also developed a series of innovative writing projects for the internet with Moving Audio.

Image: Susie Stubbs

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