Location, location, location.

Excited by the prospect of the BBC’s move up north, and by a new Granada TV-inspired show at Urbis, Andrew Shanahan devises a fantasy TV schedule with a northern twist

The relocation of the BBC to Salford’s shiny MediaCity has caused more griping amongst Southern-based TV producers than the great olive blight of ’98. To be fair, these are people whose view of the world north of Watford has been shaped by what they’ve seen on TV. Think about it – The Street, Shameless, Hollyoaks: these programmes have given them a glimpse into a dark and soulless vision of the north. It’s no wonder they’re scared.

In an effort to pep up the producers, we thought we’d take a look at some new shows that could be made in locations across the North West. Some may be bleak but others show the brighter side of life up north. Think of it as our housewarming gift to the BBC, but just know that if any of these shows actually get made we’ll find the producers and whip them with the pointy end of a TV aerial. Welcome!

1. Speak Northern
What is it? With a sudden influx of economic migrants to the region from down south, it’s only natural that a good number of them will struggle with language issues. This educational series will guide the southern newcomers to the finer points of northern language, from ‘Hello – a term of convivial greeting that can be used with anyone you see’ to ‘Thank-you – a phrase denoting gratitude for a service or pleasing interaction’.
Where can it be shot? Across the north.

2. Mersey Rat Diary
What is it? Nature documentaries are hot property on the Beeb, but with budget cuts and the licence fee under threat, it’s time to look closer to home. We suggest swapping Meerkat Diary with Mersey Rat Diary, which follows the exploits of a pack of adorable rats as they cope with the challenges provided by the dog-walkers of the Mersey valley.
Where can it be shot? The Mersey basin just south of Didsbury.

3. The Apprentice Oop North
What is it? Recent series of The Apprentice have featured 50 minutes of Alan Sugar flying around the London skyline in a helicopter looking increasingly dyspeptic, to the point where future programmes will probably just feature him slyly burping into a handkerchief for an hour. This relocated show has Sir Alan flying around the Beetham Tower while scallies shoot at the underside of his helicopter. The first person to shoot down Sir Alan wins 4,000 Amstrad E-m@ilers to flog at a car boot.
Where can it be shot? Around the Hilton (or Salford high rises if you want variety).

4. Chips
What is it? Unlike its deeply disappointing namesake – the drama serial concerned with the exploits of the California Highway Patrol – this Chips would look exclusively at actual chips. Whilst southern TV producers might be confused as to why this would make gripping TV, readers in the north will know that proper chips, slathered with gravy and occasionally contained in a barm, would make for compulsive viewing.
Where can it be shot? At any of the North West’s great fish and chip shops, i.e. all of them.

5. LTTGS (Listen To This Gullible Southerners)
What is it? Extremely opinionated and judgmental music show, where the whole of the north attempts to kid the whole of the south into liking joke musical acts. For authenticity, this show is presented by someone so Mancunian that their vowels can kill pigeons. The format features live performances from manufactured bands in fictional musical genres such as Ha’penny Halfbeat, R+D and Gristy.
Where can it be shot? Burnage, home of Oasis – winners of the first LTTGS series.

6. Colder Feet
What is it? For several years Cold Feet was a hit because it was a bit like Friends (there were six of them) and made us all feel it was OK to be self-obsessed arsewipes who drink too much. Sadly, the death of Rachel in the final series nixed any hopes of another series, until …Colder Feet. Following the current televisual fashion for the supernatural, Colder Feet begins in the morgue where Rachel comes round to discover herself lying in a body-bag! After eventually escaping her ghostly remnants, she spends the rest of the series shopping on King Street and drinking glasses of pinot grigio in a series of coldly chic city centre brasseries.
Where can it be shot? City centre shopping streets and bars.

7. Round Our Way
What is it? Round Our Way is the new northern house-buying show that celebrates the virtues of buying a house in the north, i.e. it’s outrageously cheap compared to London. Every week our streetwise, inner-city estate agents guide Londoners who are looking at ripping the soul out of abandoned vicarages, converting cow sheds into New York loft apartments and ‘knocking through’ four streets of terraced houses into one grotesque mega-tenement.
Where can it be shot? Across the North West.

8. The Cash Converter Roadshow
What is it? A downbeat spin-off of The Antiques Roadshow that follows broadly the same format but features a series of jittery, nervous young men in tracksuits as they speedily try and get an appraisal of their goods from the steel-eyed employees of Cash Converter. Each appraisal ends with the young men grudgingly accepting £3 for a Playstation 2 game.
Where can it be shot? Cash Converter in Ashton-under-Lyne.

9. The Curry Mile
What is it? With nearly 100 neon-signed curry houses, Rusholme’s Curry Mile is one of the largest concentration of Indian and Pakistani restaurants in the UK. This would provide the lively backdrop for an adventurous re-make of The Green Mile. Whilst the new version would have significantly less drama, prisons and Tom Hanks, it would have significantly more samosas, waiters and lamb tikka – a fair trade many would say.
Where can it be shot? Rusholme, obviously.

10. My So-Called Northern Life
What is it? Reality show that turns the camera onto producers. Eight TV producers recently relocated to the north are filmed 24 hours a day as they try and get used to living in their new homes on Salford Quays. Omnipresent cameras catch all of their bitchy comments about where they’ve been sent and running gags develop in which they laugh about the corner shop’s woeful ignorance of trout pate.
Where can it be shot? New posh flats on the Quays, just off The Lowry Centre.

For a more in-depth look at Manchester’s contribution to British (and world) television, visit Manchester, Television & the City: Ghosts of Winter Hill (at Urbis until April 2010, free entry). Read The Guardian’s coverage of the exhibition here.

Andrew Shanahan is an award-winning freelance writer with work ranging from journalism with The Guardian and The Independent and national magazine titles to scriptwriting with the BBC. He has also developed a series of innovative writing projects for the internet with Moving Audio.

Images (top to bottom): Granada TV logo (1959), Helen Shapiro and Violet Carson on the Coronation Street set, both courtesy Urbis.

Possibly related to this:

1. Three For Me: Top TV from CP Lee. CP Lee, the musician, broadcaster & film historian, picks his top three cult TV shows. ...