Why The X-Factor Sucks.

In the run-up to The X Factor final, Andrew Shanahan goes off on one about the Manchester musicians who would have failed the first auditions

As the buffed chrome exhaust of The X-Factor machine gets ready to guff out another noxious musical emission likely to pollute the charts until mid-January, it struck us that nearly every established musician worthy of respect and attention would have failed to impress the judges on ITV’s karaoke contest. So, just for fun, we started to compile a list of Manchester musicians who would have failed on The X-Factor. In a funny way, this exercise cheered us up; after all, to paraphrase Groucho Marx, who would want to join a club that wouldn’t accept Mark E Smith as a member?

‘Burn down the disco/Hang the blessed DJ/Because the music that they constantly play/It says nothing to me about my life.’
Panic, The Smiths

The X-Factor is at its most loathsome when it strives to take itself in any way seriously. Frankly, it can be enjoyed as a bit of light entertainment, but recently Cowell, Cole & Co. have been acting as if the show actually matters, and that’s just absurd. The funniest part of this series was the furore over Jedward’s performances. The ire of judges as they debated the twins’ musical merits highlighted the fact that they loathe being seen as a gaudy shop window for novelty acts. Artists like Morrissey have to earn the right to take themselves seriously by taking creative risks – and can subsequently navel-gaze to their heart’s content.

‘No hope is left, nor help can stand instead/For doleful death doth cut off pleasure quite.’
Cease Sorrows Now, conducted by Joe Duddell

One of the key criticisms you can level at The X-Factor is that the show’s greatest ambition is to discover Whitney Houston. The main issue with this is that Whitney Houston already exists – although these days only intermittently. One of the joys of music is its gloriously broad spectrum, from the nullifying warbling of La Houston to the WTF rock of The Mad Capsule Markets and all points in-between. In Manchester we’ve got four national orchestras, a specialist music school celebrating its 40th anniversary, jazz clubs, a burgeoning folk scene and even somewhere for the Whitney wannabes to warble.

‘Every time there’s orange on TV the brass are saying good news to me/ I’ve been duped!’
I’ve Been Duped, The Fall

The X-Factor hates individuality, preferring instead quirkiness – which is defined as having just enough difference to tell acts apart but not so much that it makes them challenging on any level. They adore ciphers who can be summed up in an epithet (‘Is he the fat one or the wacky one?’) and whose behaviour is as predictable as that of the worst sitcom characters (‘Ha! The fat one’s eating again!’). Mark E Smith they are not. But now more than ever we need musicians who are capable of expressing an opinion and perplexing us with their behaviour – even if they infuriate us.

‘That’s Not My Name.’
That’s Not My Name, The Ting Tings

OK, so on looks alone Leigh’s The Ting Tings might have made it into the second round of The X-Factor, but the show’s relentless dismissal of anyone who doesn’t match an absurdly high standard of beauty must be a brutal lesson to anyone watching without supermodel looks. Granted, we want lashings of beauty, glamour and sex in our musical universe, but music should be the ultimate example of a place where people with a face like a bag of smashed crabs can still do well. People like your Gallaghers and MacGowans have managed to succeed because of their way with a tune. (The Ting Tings would have done OK on that score too; in fact, the only reason they wouldn’t have won The X-Factor is because they’d dare to write their own music.)

‘I’m throwing stones at you man, I want you black and blue.’
Bye Bye Bad Man, The Stone Roses

Forbes magazine reckons that Simon Cowell trousered a stunning $75 million last year. What weird kink happened to the universe to allow a man with sub-standard hair, who incites mediocre singers into action, to roll in cash, when a venue like Band on the Wall, who promote and supported gifted musicians from all walks of life, are constantly looking for financial support? Something, somewhere, has gone terribly, horribly wrong.

Fancy listening to the list of Manchester Musicians Who Would Have Failed The X Factor? Have a look at our Spotify playlist. To add your own thoughts – first get Spotify – then click this link and drag in any other Manchester artists you like (it could be quite a lengthy list). When it’s done we’ll send it to Cowell…

Andrew Shanahan is an award-winning freelance writer with work ranging from journalism with The Guardian and The Independent and national magazine titles to scriptwriting with the BBC. He has also developed a series of innovative writing projects for the internet with Moving Audio.

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